I can haz wizdom plz.

I bet when you were a teenager you thought you knew it all, or at the very least had more than a rudimentary grasp on things. Depending on where you are in your teens you will have worked out, singlehandedly, at least a couple of the following :

a) Puberty isn’t a fabulous coming-of-age sepia-tinted blossoming. In fact it’s cramps and tampon embarrassment, or sudden unexpected erections on the bus.

b) All boys are bastards and all girls are bitches when you start dating. Coincidentally , your very first unrequited love will bring you a whole new world of pain.

c) Your parents don’t know anything. NEWSFLASH : This is so true it’s actually not funny. We’re trying to muddle through, just like you are, only we’re not allowed to have tantrums about it. That’s why we have medication. If you want real wisdom you’d be better served skipping a generation and going straight to your grandparents.

d) Don’t let anyone choose your religion, career, partner or clothing for you. That sort of thing is fine when you’re a kid, but after that you have to step up and take responsibility. And yes, responsibility is scary, that’s why a lot of adults who know better avoid it also.

However, life is an ongoing lesson. Sometimes I feel I turned up late without my notes and sat through 10 minutes before I realise I’m in the wrong classroom, but a lesson nonetheless. Take last night. Last night I learned that when you’re mixing yourself an alcoholic cold remedy MORE does not equate to BETTER. I’m not quite sure why I decided that half a mug of steaming hot whiskey would be a good idea when experience has already shown me that a couple of capfulls is my usual limit.

Not only did my respiratory system start playing a jolly game of “Now you can breathe… now you can’t… hahahaha” but bizarrely my heart was thumping so much that my hair had a heartbeat. Granted, I fell asleep relatively quickly. Only to wake up an hour later with the Mother, Father, Aunt, Uncle and Next Door Neighbour of all headaches, and nausea usually reserved for the day after a dodgy kebab-van hamburger you couldn’t resist at 3am.

So tonight I’m skipping the remedies and I’m just going to snuggle up in bed. But before I go, today’s topic has just been posted and it’s occurred to me just how few of these I’ve actually used. I feel kinda bad about it if I had the energy, but as it stands I’ll be using the “The other kids aren’t doing it either!” defence, thereby bypassing any potential guilt in favour of extra time under the duvet. It’s a time management thing.