A Post About Friends , Which In Retrospect Probably Contains The Word “Asshole” A Bit Too Much For The Subject Matter.

I don’t blog much these days, a fact that absolutely none of you will have noticed. It’s not that you don’t care. Or, well, you might not. You probably subscribed 3 years ago and then promptly forgot about my irregularly spurty waffle ( which sounds like something you should never ever Google. Just don’t. ) It’s all cool though, it happens. No judgement here.

But for those still subscribed I feel the need to thank you for your loyalty. And your inability to clear up your inactive blogger subscription. I also find it vital to take this opportunity to tell you that YOU are important to me. We’re best buds. Chums. I feel close enough to you to try to tap you for a fiver. Or ask you to buy me doughnuts and tampons whilst you’re down the shops anyway. It’s a beautiful friendship. Which is why it’s such a wonderful example of synchronicity that after randomly deciding to do my first post in yonks I scroll back through this morning’s emails and find today’s daily prompt is the word “Friends“.

Well bugger me sideways, what are the chances?

It’s been a busy [ insert actual time absent here, I’m too lazy to look it up. A year and a half maybe? ]. Work was frantic, sporadic, and largely semi-satisfying. I took time to eliminate the toxic aspects of my life and gained a certain level of peace. I started posting on Instagram. I challenged myself. I put myself on a diet and lost a crapload of weight. I took myself back off a diet because despite what I’d been absolutely certain of the last 4 decades, being skinny didn’t make me happier. Or younger. Or drop dead gorgeous. I feel particularly pissed about the last one, btw.

I’m still a bit mental. Not much but it’s there. My favourite quote of all time is “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” And once I started an asshole eradication program I found my life went a lot more smoothly. I highly recommend it.

So now all I have is my family and my friends and it’s good. No, it’s really, *really* good. I thought for the longest time that to be happy I needed more. More money, more stuff, more achievements, a bigger better more me Me. More doughnuts, definitely. But turns out that what I really needed was less. Less pressure. Less assholes. And the friends? They’re just right. I feel I can finally tick them off my to-do list.

So, anyway, if you’re off down the shops………

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A confession.

Usually when I’m blogging I write it all down longhand, review, spellcheck, review again, type it out, review, post, review and then spend the next 2 hours looking at my site stats ( yes, I *am* that neurotic ).

This post is not going to be like that. In fact, this post is going to be unlike any other post before or to come, and I hope that after having read it it won’t put too many people off reading any further garbage I may throw at you 😉

I have a problem. I can’t post.

It’s not like I have writer’s block, or I lack inspiration. I have loads of ideas and a little notebook full of scribbled bits waiting for internet immortality.

What I do have is *deep breath* Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’ll spare you the details of why I have it, it’s not really important, and I will stress that I have “multiple traits” as opposed to all-out BPD. Only someone who’s lived with someone with BPD will appreciate the distinction. I think it would be fair to say that BPD sufferers are hard to live with, I’m only hard to live with when I’m triggered. Otherwise I’m a bundle of light and joy 😀

Being Borderline has meant that I’m BIG on starting stuff. Insanely, passionately, obsessively keen on starting. But once it becomes a commitment we hit a brick wall. And it really is like slamming face-first into concrete. You can’t go around it, you can’t climb over it.  I have so much in my head that I want to do, my house is full of craft stuff stored away for when I can face actually using it, but I can’t. And I do mean that.. I can’t, rather than I won’t. It becomes a huge battle and I end up doing nothing, or worst still, I end up doing stuff I don’t want to do purely because it’s not a commitment.

I’m hoping with this post I can somehow keep this blog going, cos it’s becoming hard, but I really don’t want to drop it like I have so many other blogs before. It’s important to me that I do this, to see if I can. To show that I can. So some posts might be a lot smaller, but I hope you’ll bear with me cos knowing there are some people who actually subscribe to this nonsense is pretty important. Incredibly scary for someone with Borderline, but very important.

Thank you.

Michelle x

Pre-emptive Strike : “I don’t care, anything but flip-flops”

I seem to be struggling a bit with the suggested topics lately. It’s not that they’re unsuitable ( though every time a new one is posted I wince for those with intensely specific blogs. “Epithelial Cell Daily” might, for example, struggle with the topic “What colour shoes do you prefer, and why?” ).
It’s not that I can’t think of a suitable reply, I just can’t seem to get anything down in print.
Usually I take a notebook to bed with me once the kids are asleep, write my entry out longhand ( snuggly warm under-duvet feet and more conducive to creative expression I’ve found ), and once I’m done I jump out, type it up, then go back to bed.
Lately I’ve been getting into bed with my notebook, getting comfy, and then waking up at 3am to the sound of at least one of my cats attempting to chew through my pen of choice for the evening. This is making me grumpy, not least because my stationery supplies are being eaten.
It’s driving me nuts 😦

Hold on a sec…. it’s driving me nuts !!!!

Talk about pure luck….

Don’t scratch it, it just makes it worse.

“What are you looking forward to this year?” was today’s prompt.

This year is going to be my year of achievement, I’ve decided. Not the usual achievement I’m rather prone to – the achievement that occurs entirely by sheer luck. Or that other one where I mentally change all the rules half way through just to make it easier. Nope, this is going to be genuine 24 carat self-earned achievement that I shall be so overwhelmed by achieving that I casually slip it into conversation over the dinner table every night. Oh, the joy on their little faces as I bring it up for the 157th time. I can hardly wait!

So here, in no particular order, is my hastily thrown together list. It’s small, but it’s best to start off easy :

a) Blog every day for a year. I’m doing ok so far, but traditionally my crumbling point tends to be somewhere around mid-March. I think I must have 7 or 8 blogs chronicling the appalling weather in winter and not much else. To save me falling into that trap again I shall be mostly avoiding the topic. Just assume at any given point that it will be piddling down here and chances are you’d be spot on.

b)Learn Dutch to a standard whereby I can actually contribute to conversations. I’m rather fed up with standing there, grinning like a loon for 5 mins, before having to say ,”I’m sorry, what was that again?” after the usual uncomfortable pause. It’s not like I haven’t had the opportunity to learn. Hubby is Dutch, my two youngest are Dutch, my eldest can speak it pretty much fluently, and I own no less than 3 full Dutch language courses. I’ve also had plenty of incentive.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I got a rather.. intimate… infection. Had I been back in the UK I’d have popped down the Chemist, bought a pill, slapped on some cream ( though obviously I’d wait until I got home for that one ) and in no time at all I’d be able to stand at the bus stop without having to inconspicuously mince on the spot. However, I wasn’t in the UK. And if having to mime “I have vaginal thrush, could you show me where I can get cream for the itching, please?” isn’t an incentive to learn the language pretty damn quick then nothing is.

c) Do more things that I love instead of habitually putting it on the metaphorical back-burner and metaphorically forgetting about it until the smoke detector goes off ‘cos I’ve burnt a hole through the bottom and I’m metaphorically buggered. That means more film watching, more crafts, more embracing my inner child, more cat stroking, more long walks in the park,more fun!Frankly, I could pop my clogs tomorrow through something entirely unforseen like spontaneous human combustion and all I’d leave Hubby by way of remembrance would be 3 wardrobes full of fabric, buttons, wool, watercolour pencils and needle-nosed pliers. No cash, obviously, I spent that all on random craft crap off eBay.

It’s a short but do-able list. Should failure occur I shall be looking forward to spending the rest of the year attempting to deny this post ever happened… so let’s just leave it between you and me, yeah?

Will not crumble for cookies.

I am a classic underachiever. My life is one very long list of things I could have done but somehow miraculously and against my God-given talents I totally failed to. In fact, I’ve elevated non-achievement to an art form. Or would have if I’d made one last effort. Which I didn’t.

Some days that really ticks me off, but on most days I wallow in a tepid pool of “Meh..” and luxuriate in the fact I never really expected me to get anything done anyway. There’s a certain comfort in having artificially lowered expectations of self, and that’s been both my best friend and my worst enemy over the years.

Sure… I could have been the world’s foremost authority on the Guatemalan Lesser Spotted Leaping Snail if I wanted to, but hey! Here’s an idea! How about NOT?? Less studying time, less effort, less sifting through snail snot. Sure, you miss out on that particular dream, but you’re An Underachiever! That’s what you do! Genius.

So, baring in mind that today’s topic is : “What’s the single most important thing you accomplished in 2010?” then this is going to be a pretty short post, yeah?

You wish 😉

In reality I possibly accomplished something last year that I never thought I could. Something I thought would crush me beyond recognition ..didn’t.
Last year I didn’t fall to pieces.

This may not seem like that big a deal. After all, at any given time aren’t 5 billion other people holding it together just fine? Well, yes, possibly. But I’m not them, and I shouldn’t compare myself, because goals and hopes are personal. They shouldn’t start with “I want to be better than Betty next door with her infeasibly large breasts and perfect teeth…” or “I want to totally crush that annoying guy in class with his oh-so-perfect PhD in Socio-economic Parapsychology In The Middle Ages…” because when you stop competing with others and start competing with yourself you can finally move forward.

Two things happened last year.A situation with my oldest son truly broke my heart, but in respect for his privacy I won’t divulge what, and my youngest son was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 4. I spent a lot of time back and forth to hospitals in both situations , terrified I might lose either. Most people expected me to crumble, including myself.

But instead I took one day at a time. One hard step after another. And in all honesty, I still am. Does this make me better than anyone else? No. Does this make me better? Yes. And that’s good enough for me. Or it will be when I work out some sort of biscuit-related reward system.

Almost On-Topic Waffling.

There’s a saying that goes ,”Start as you mean to go on” that applies every time one embarks upon a new venture. It’s there to motivate you to make that first tentative step so you can look back and say, “See what I did there? That’s where it all started…”

I started this year by discovering I didn’t have any clean knickers.
This does not bode well for this year. Should I have to spend the next 365 days “sans skimpies” then I’m going to end up with an online journal full of posts about body parts generally not mentioned in nice blogs.

One of my goals for this year is to finally get my act together. I figure it’s a decision that’s long overdue. I just can’t shake the feeling that act-wise I could be the beautiful and talented trapeze artist if only I could motivate myself to be more than “Madame Procrastinata And Her Miraculous Slug Taming Extravaganza” ( the one that takes 40 long, tedious, and largely uneventful years to reach the grande finale of “Sluggo The Magnificent” falling into a pint of beer and drowning with a glassy-eyed acceptance in his little stalky eyes).

This decision to be “more” applies to more than just attempting to keep on top of the laundry, and it’s with this in mind I have started the “Blog post a day” challenge.
This is Day 1, and the writing prompt is this : “List three countries you’d like to visit, and why you want to go.”

Ugh.

This is a hard one for me, for whilst I love to read about different cultures and look at photos of breathtaking sunsets from across the globe, I like my home comforts.
Strangely, I enjoy not being eaten by exotic animals, diarrhoea isn’t something I want to take up as a hobby, and chuckling whilst my extremities snap off one by one due to frostbite just doesn’t float my boat.
That’s why I have cable and a huge screen tv. I can watch some intrepid jungle explorer pick tarantulas out of his hair from the luxury of my living room with a non-threatening cup of tea and a particularly non-scary packet of biscuits ( non-scary, that is, unless you happen to be my hips ),thank you so very much.

So it’s in this spirit of “Never gonna happen” that my 3 countries are as follows:

1) Hawaii.
Every girl should get the opportunity to wear a coconut bra once in her life, and with time galloping on I really need to get this ticked off before gravity prevails and it ends up looking more like half-shell kneepads.

2) Antartica.
What can I say? I like penguins. I’ve always loved their waddly little walk and admired the way the females pop out an egg and then leave the males sitting on it for months while they nip off to an all-you-can-eat mackeral buffet. You GO girls! Plus the serenity of being able to wander in a totally white landscape gives me an almost zen-like feeling of peace, tranquility and “ahhhhhh…no kids”-ness.

3)Wonderland. (Possibly cheating a bit with this one)
It’s so trippy… who wouldn’t want to go there? Plus there’s the added bonus that the Mad Hatter actually seems to be on my wavelength, and frankly, I’ve dated worse.
So there you have it, my first entry done. Relatively painless so far and very nearly on topic, yay!

On a more personal note…
Things I Was Hoping That I’d Never Have To Say, But Ended Up Having To Today: “Please don’t put your finger up the cat’s bottom.”

Kids, eh?

I’m Posting every day in 2011!

I’ve decided I want to blog regularly and consistently. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now, for procrastination is my nasty spiky enemy.  I will be posting on this blog once a day for all of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Signed,

Michelle ❤