Vital advice, especially if you’re prone to putting things into your bottom.

Advice is easy. Anybody can give it, and there’s no quality control system in place to filter the life-enhancing gems from the plain stupid Captain Obvious stuff. I, for example, have a broad spectrum of advice of varying usefulness on the tip of my tongue should anyone come asking.
Try me, go on.

  • Don’t buy a dress size down with a view to slimming into it, you won’t. Embrace your beautiful outer insulation and just get something in a size that isn’t going to cut off your circulation from the hips down and strip you of your dignity.
  • Don’t rob banks. It increases your chances of multiple unplanned holes in your body, and most banks these days don’t contain any actual money anyway.
  • Don’t give away your virginity too easily. Religious beliefs aside, it’s a rite of passage that deserves thought… cos Lord knows you’ll think back on it in the future. I know someone who lost her virginity in a car park bent over a shopping trolley. That’s a heart-warming tale for the grandchildren.
  • Don’t stick things up your bottom when there is even the slimmest possibility they won’t come out. I have absolutely nothing against folk who want to anally insert items of their choice per se but I’ve worked in a hospital. 9 times out of 10 when you see a small huddle of doctors around an x-ray screen they’re looking at holiday snaps from someone who’s using their rectum as a storage facility.

And so on.

However, I feel for advice to reach it’s maximum usefulness it has to apply to all, and not everyone is going to “slip in the shower and end up with a bottle of “Head & Shoulders” inserted. Mr or Ms Average need to read it, nod, and realise they might just have dodged a bullet for having done so ( which admittedly would apply in the bank robbing example ). I also strongly feel that advice only reaches it’s full potential when it comes from real personal experience… and I’ll leave you to work out which of the above that applies to in my case. No clues.

So what is it that I’m going to share with you in response to today’s Daily Prompt? Well, it’s common sense really. Sadly, however, common sense often flies out of the window on this one… but I think it bears repeating.

Do not, no matter how tempting, get involved with someone who is married to somebody else.

I’ve been there, and the life lesson it taught me was this “You’re great, but you’re just not that great. If he cheated on her to be with you, you can bet your life savings ( literally, in my case ) that he will cheat on you to be with someone else.
I know it’s tempting. Temptation always comes in the most wonderful of lickable packages, but keep your tongue in your mouth… and your mouth only … and you’ll be fine. There are people who cheat, and there are people who don’t. And really, is that all you’re worth?
People fall in love with the wrong people all the time ( Holy cow, I could write a book on that one ), but if you take a step back and garner some perspective you will see it for what it is.

Is their relationship working ?   Yes : Avoid.     No : Proceed to next question.
Are they separating?               No : Avoid       Yes : Proceed to next question.
Are they separated?                No : Avoid       Yes : Proceed to next question.
Are they a huge festering boil of unresolved issues, and prone to unrelentingly talking about their ex?                                        Yes : Avoid      No : Proceed to next question.
Are you just drawn to that which isn’t yours?      Yes : Avoid       No : Proceed to next question.
Wouldn’t life just be easier to find yourself someone who will be yours alone from day 1, because adulterers have a lack of respect that doesn’t change just because you’re a great guy / girl ? Yes : Yes. Proceed with life.       No : No.

It’s not easy. Sometimes life conspires to screw you over like that. But take heart in the fact that every now and then someone will leave a relationship that isn’t working and tie up their loose ends before moving on. Those sort of people won’t leave you behind the local supermarket with your knickers around your ankles, which is always a bonus when relationships are so dreadfully tricky in the first place.


14 thoughts on “Vital advice, especially if you’re prone to putting things into your bottom.

  1. That sounds like regret…… Karma’s a bitch and as much as I despise your actions, my life has been so much better without ”our husband” …………Any idea if the fucker is still alive ?

    • Hi Mary.

      Yes, karma is a bitch, but what’s worse is that it never strikes in the way you expect it to. Were my actions despicable? Yes. Yes they were. I could quote reasons, and offer excuses, I could even attempt to shift blame, but bottom line is that I did a disgusting thing to somebody that trusted me. You were my friend.

      20 years have passed, give or take. Do I feel regret about the affair that I had with your husband? No. From it I had my son, and nothing and nobody will ever make me regret having him. A life without him is unbearable, a fact I’ve spent the last week trying to deal with after nearly losing him to an overdose.

      I feel shame. Shame for putting my insecurities above your feelings, for scrabbling for attention. It’s not even a case of “I didn’t care who I hurt”. I cared, I just was too pathetic to walk away.

      But he never truly loved me, and he never wanted to marry me. I knew on the day of our wedding he would stray, and it was almost a relief for it to finally be here when he did. I knew that at the very best he was on loan… and truly, that was where karma hit me, I spent all that time settling for being a temporary fixture.

      I’m glad your life has been so much better. I’ve looked you up a few times over the years on Facebook and always felt glad to see you smiling. I’ve wanted to drop you a message a hundred times to make some sort of apology, but not wanted to drag up all that crap when you’ve obviously moved on to so much better. I wasn’t going to make myself feel better at your expense, cos really, it’s the very least I could do. It’s not an honourable gesture, just me trying to be less shitty.

      Is he alive? Yes, just. I speak to him maybe 5 or 6 times a year, mostly to arrange my son’s flights over and back. We’re not friends, but we’re not enemies either. After he left me he made some really bad dating choices ( really, you’d laugh, I know I did ), and did the midlife crisis sports car and tattoo thing. He’s with a lovely girl now, and appears to have grown up slightly. Try to let go of the anger, it doesn’t affect him in the slightest and letting go of it is such a huge weight off, trust me. OK, I’ve not shown the best track record trust-wise.. but you can take my word on this one.

      I don’t know what else to say. I am truly, deeply sorry for being such an arsehole, you didn’t deserve what happened in any way or form. But then you knew that already. I wish you peace.

  2. I appreciate your candor and apology.

    It may have been over 20 years but I still bear the scars of that time, even if they are faded. I actually would have welcomed it before now. I’ve recently had a ‘close call’ with my own mortality, which galvanised me into this action, amongst others. So perhaps we can both learn something here!

    I wish your son the peace he needs.

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