Poop.

Shit, as the quaint old saying goes, happens.

Black, white, rich, poor, gay, straight… Shit doesn’t care or discriminate. It’s an equal opportunities Bastard.

Like unexpectantly rising rent payments, the sudden appearance of a single smug-looking grey pubic hair, and unknowingly walking out of the ladies toilet with the back of your dress tucked into your knickers ( And not even the good “WhooHoo, I’m gonna get me some, peel these babies off with your teeth!” knickers, no… we’re talking back of the underwear drawer forgotten to do the laundry bellywarmers ) Shit is inescapable and randomly thrown at you to test how long it will take before you snap, buy a sniper rifle, and start picking off the seagulls flying past the balcony at 4am.

Now, before I get into exactly why I’ve been absent recently I think I should make it clear that pain is personal and mostly incomparable. Often pain is put on a sliding scale. You frequently see this in action in online forums where disagreements arise and eventually someone plays the “Cancer” card, which as everyone knows is supposed to trump all counter arguments and send the opposition to the Corner Of Shame. And to a certain extent that’s true.( Not the them having Cancer bit, that’s invariably a whopping big fib and reserves the Fibbee a nice stage-side dining table in the Restaurant Of Eternal Damnation ). You would have to be a Grade A moron to genuinely feel that snagging your tights on your nails and having to buy a new pair in any way or form compares to snagging a leg on some heavy-duty machinery and having to spend the rest of your life shoe shopping and saying to the assistant who is pointedly attempting not to stare, “No, I’ll only be needing the one, thanks.”

However, there’s a huge grey area in between Moderately Crappy and Holy Cow It’s A Diarrea-O-Rama! and those in the middle are at the mercy of perception.
I’ve been wallowing in that grey area for a while now. It’s not much fun.

Firstly, I almost lost my eldest son to suicide. Then I almost lost my youngest boy to diabetes. And a couple of weeks ago I almost lost my daughter to pneumonia.
I’m starting to feel like there’s a bit of a pattern developing here. Someone is definitely tuggin’ my chain.

And tuggin’.
And tuggin’.
And you know how that makes me feel?

I feel lucky.
I could have lost my beautiful, smart, funny, caring children, and Lord knows that would pretty much finish me too, but I didn’t. It was a close thing, and Christ it was painful each time ( and still is ), but it could so easily have been end-of-the-scale pain. The sort of pain you don’t recover from. Deep black not-a-speck-of-grey pain.

So that’s where I’ve been, showering off the excrement and feeling very grateful it was just a light shower as opposed to being pushed into a bubbling hot tub of the stuff. You can thank me for the mental image later 🙂

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18 thoughts on “Poop.

  1. oh no, i am so sorry! 😦 has this all happened recently? ugh, i know we don’t know eachother really, but i wish i could come over and make you coffee and do SOMETHING.

    • The situation with my eldest has been going on for almost a year… my youngest boy about 6 months, and my little girl hit 3 weeks ago. Hey… but what doesn’t kill us makes us blog more, right? 😉

  2. when it rains…sorry for your recent trials, but good to know that you are making it and these were “almosts”. with things as precious as your children, you have a lot to lose and yes, a lot to be thankful for. thoughts with you and yours.

    welcome back.

  3. I am so sorry you had to go through those times…that your children had to endure their own pain. I thank God HE has been walking with you, the HE brought the children out of those situations, and you on a path to more peaceful times.
    So glad you are back. Blessings to you and your family.

    • Agnosticism is pretty much the only thing I’ve kept true to over the years, but I can’t help but feel that someone somewhere *has* cut me a lucky break. Or maybe the good luck was for my Hubby, who’s a Christian. Either way, I’m just very very grateful 🙂

  4. Well I for one am definitely glad all these things were “almosts” and not absolutes.
    You are lucky and blessed. Someone is watching out for you.

  5. Firstly, I almost lost my eldest son to suicide. Then I almost lost my youngest boy to diabetes. And a couple of weeks ago I almost lost my daughter to pneumonia…
    +
    all human beings, running around, are survivors anyhow …
    welcome in that crowd!

  6. Um, cancer never trumps losing a child. Thank God they were almosts. All.the.difference. Thanks for being open. My dad always said these kinds of things hit in threes. Maybe you’re done now. ❤

    • You’re right… and yes, I hope so too. Strangely, I was saying the “happens in 3’s” thing only a couple of months ago… so all things considered I got off lightly 🙂

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