The Internet. It’s a veritable pornucopia.

What keeps you up at night?

It may well be an over-simplification, but in 2 words : My Brain.
“Spiffy!” you say, “but can’t you , just for the sake of your word count, plump up the description a bit, maybe into double figures?”

Well… if I *must*…

I wish I could say that in the still darkness of the night I’m contemplating the meaning of existence, but in all honesty I could just as easily be lying there musing on the inherent curliness of pubic hairs and wondering why , despite receiving the barest minimum of hair care, they’re always bizarrely shiny and conditioned-looking. Or maybe that’s just mine? I suspect I’m over-sharing again. My apologies.

Whilst I’m naturally prone to excessive and often counter-productive analysis of practically anything, sometimes I just “think about…stuff.”

For example, last night I had a rather lengthy contemplation of porn.

Now, let’s get this straight, I’m not a pornaholic. Having been introduced to it at a relatively young age there’s been a certain amount of desensitization to the whole affair that renders skin flicks less titillation and more tittering really. I can sort of understand why some folk get so embarrassed about it, but it’s not as if they’ve been caught wet-handed watching “Red Hot Butt Monkeys II” ( infinitely superior to “Red Hot Butt Monkeys I”, in my humble opinion. Much saucier banana action.)

Recommended for your post-pleasure-viewing pleasure.

That said, I do find it amusing, and always have, and find a person’s choice of viewing a perfect opportunity for a little analysis. I read once in a book, and I’m paraphrasing here, that conduct during sex is a window into the psyche, as sex isn’t a learned practice ie it’s something that has germinated in your mind over time, and not something shaped by taking notes and watching your parents. Ick. In essence what turns you on says a lot more about you than, for example, your social interaction. As a people-watcher I find this fascinating, not because your confessed goat porn addiction makes me trembly in the gusset, but because it’s another part of the jigsaw of you. OK, I admit, it’s pretty funny too, you pervert.

Naturally, the internet is a pornographer’s playground. There’s a joke that goes “If you took all the web pages that have some sort of porn on them offline the entire internet would consist of a single site – the campaign page for “Bring Back The Porn!” And there’s more than a smidgen of truth in that. On an evening of random surfing over 60% [* totally made up statistic for demonstration purposes only ] will have at the least something sexually provocative in an ad somewhere on the page. Unless you surf scrapbooking sites exclusively, in which case it’s ribbons and fabric-covered buttons that are going to crank up your engine. If these random-core advertisements are to be believed there would be a plethora of young ladies feeling lonely and looking for conversation in my local area RIGHT NOW. Naked conversation usually. I don’t know about your neighbourhood but moderately attractive women between 20-30 years of age with no qualms about getting their nipples out at the drop of a hat are very rarely lonely for long. Or looking for conversation either. But here I go wandering off topic again…

I don’t encourage those who haven’t seen any the watch it, and I don’t condemn those that watch it pretty regularly. Similarly, I have  pretty much the same viewpoint on masturbation, which traditionally goes hand in hand pants with regular and prolonged porn viewings. I just don’t think I’m in any position to judge one way or another. Having an interest in watching folks bumping uglies for a little genital-related stress relief is fine, and not watching it because you find it degrading / sinful / tawdry is ok too. Whatever floats your boat is just fine & dandy by me, and the way I see it is that anything that goes on between 2 consenting adults, or one if you’re flying solo, is nobody else’s damn business. Possibly exploitation within the sex industry is a subject worth returning to in the future, so I’ll save it for another time. If I digress too much I tend to find myself starting out talking about vegetarianism and ending up blathering on about whether or not apes go through the menopause.

Hmm… I have to go look that up now, be right back.

…..

Inconclusive. Pfft.

If there’s one little pearl of wisdom I can offer before I go for tonight though, it’s this:

Blog about it if you want. Chat about it with your best friend. But if you possibly can, keep it out of your relationships. This is because :
a) A lot of porn is about fantasy. Share a fantasy and you run the risk of it losing it’s potency.
b) Sometimes it generates a whole lot of entirely un-necessary performance-related tension and
c) Being known as “Open-minded and Generally Unphased By Things Of A Sexual Nature” will often encourage a partner that would otherwise have remained blissfully silent about their personal quirks to share. That’s how I found out that an (ex)Sweetie was harbouring secret cravings to wear my underwear and make-up. Nothing kills an otherwise relatively stable relationship as fast as an embarrassing secret, and you don’t get much more embarrassing than a 5 o’clock shadow, baby blue eyeshadow and stilettos combo.

Somewhere, someplace, this guy thinks I'm his ideal woman.

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9 thoughts on “The Internet. It’s a veritable pornucopia.

  1. i’m not sure if this was funny or vaguely disturbing.
    either way – i really enjoyed reading and this look inside your brain.

    have you ever read “The Porning of America”?

  2. teehee. too funny. i love reading your posts. i was especially interested in the part about sex shedding some light on a person’s psyche. i hadn’t really thought of the whole not learned aspect of it. this will give me something to think about when i am lying in bed awake.

    i am sure you are getting some interesting hits with your tags! if i search for “cross-dressing monkey masturbation”….

  3. LOL.. I love your tongue-in-cheek (.. that’s what she said!) comments throughout the post.. 😉 It’s true.. a large majority of sites that have nothing to do with porn will still have some kind of sexually-related ad on it somewhere, be it banners or pop-ups (hah.)

  4. A glimpse into the inner workings of your mind is like an adult version of Alice in Wonderland. Very creative.

    How is your park strolling, cat stroking, Dutch learning, art journalling, going?

    • I think “A glimpse into the inner workings of your mind is like an adult version of Alice in Wonderland.” is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, thank you 😀
      Park strolling… not so much. Being off medication and swamped with work have combined to give me the ideal excuse to vegetate. Why I actually choose to skip out on doing something I enjoy, I have no idea. I suspect I don’t like me much.
      Cat stroking.. lots. Well, until last night when one of them pooped in my bath tub. We’ve been giving each other “the Look” since.
      Dutch… I got 30 minutes into my course. Not ideal, and at this rate I should be fluent by 2034.
      Art journalling.. alas. *hangs head* The Alice ^^ comment is very inspirational though.
      Going… gone. 😉

      • Some of the most talented people on the planet are differently abled. Remember Spike Milligan from The Goon Show? He fluctuated from completely mad to totally sad, and he was utterly brilliant.

        Here’s an overwhelming thought for ya – all of these little stories that you write about chooks, milk at the local store, etc, should be published. One of my favourite books is a collection of short reflections on life, just as you offer here – heart-felt, quirky, thought-full, and real. It’s called Cats, Cradles, and Chamomile Tea, by Anna Maria Dell’oso. You are a talented writer.

        lol, Learning Dutch by 2034 is better than 2035!

        Go easy on yourself this week.

  5. Where is the Chicken Lady?

    Did you run afowl (pun totally intended) of a flock of Zombie Chickens? Were you put to the death by a Peck-O-Rama? *gasp* OH NOEZ! The horror!

  6. Hi! I came to your blog through Aquatom1968’s and I throughly enjoyed reading this and the other posts!! 🙂

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