Yes, I am the older you, and yes, this is our butt. Don’t fight genetics. Have that doughnut.

Hi Michelle,

I’ve only got 5 minutes, so I’ll be as direct as I can and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask any questions… just believe me. I’m the you from 10 years in the future, and yes… I have aged quite a bit, haven’t I? Don’t stress though, when you reach my age you won’t really mind. Well, not much. Ish.

Get a pencil, I want you to write these down.

You may have noticed by now that your marriage has started to falter. Whatever you do, do NOT allow your husband to re-mortgage your house. He’ll use the extra money to fund the affair he’s going to start in about a year and will leave you with a huge debt when you finally find out. Let him go with dignity, neither of you will ever be happy together.

In a year you will also finally have that breast reduction surgery you’ve been waiting about 10 years for. Don’t be scared, it will be the best thing you’ve ever done. Your backache will go, your self-esteem will rise, and no… your nipples won’t drop off.

When your marriage finally does crumble do NOT start dating random bozos off AOL. Your common sense will be telling you they’re all no-hopers, trust it, and if you insist on doing it anyway make sure you get an accurate photo before meeting them first. That way you won’t end up sitting awkwardly in a coffee shop with someone who looks old enough to be your Grandpa, a spitting image of Lurch from the Addams family, or a midget with a carrot-orange bouffant hairstyle.

You will not end up alone. Eventually you’ll meet a very obnoxious and egotistical man who will annoy the hell out of you from the very first second you speak to him. Don’t give up on him though, he’ll finally give you the family and happiness you’ve always wanted, and will be the best friend who’ll never walk away from you.

You will need a good friend in the years to come, your mind will start to deceive you. Don’t fight medication, even though I know you hate the idea. It will not only be the best for you, but also for your children. And yes, children plural. You will have 2 more. You will be terrified when you learn you’re expecting a girl but you are NOT your mother, and she will adore you.

And finally… Here’s a piece of paper. On it is a little idea I’ve called “Facebook”. Patent the name and the idea and start asking around to see if you have any programmer friends willing to do a bit of work for a flat fee. Borrow as much cash as you can to put into it, you’ll get it back.

I’ve got to go . Good luck, it will all work out in the end, though you will face a lot of tears before you get to where I am now.

Oh… and don’t shave your head on a whim. You’ll feel wonderfully liberated for a month or so, but mostly you’ll just look like a lemon.


6 thoughts on “Yes, I am the older you, and yes, this is our butt. Don’t fight genetics. Have that doughnut.

  1. Pingback: stylish blog award? « hakea

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