A confession.

Usually when I’m blogging I write it all down longhand, review, spellcheck, review again, type it out, review, post, review and then spend the next 2 hours looking at my site stats ( yes, I *am* that neurotic ).

This post is not going to be like that. In fact, this post is going to be unlike any other post before or to come, and I hope that after having read it it won’t put too many people off reading any further garbage I may throw at you 😉

I have a problem. I can’t post.

It’s not like I have writer’s block, or I lack inspiration. I have loads of ideas and a little notebook full of scribbled bits waiting for internet immortality.

What I do have is *deep breath* Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’ll spare you the details of why I have it, it’s not really important, and I will stress that I have “multiple traits” as opposed to all-out BPD. Only someone who’s lived with someone with BPD will appreciate the distinction. I think it would be fair to say that BPD sufferers are hard to live with, I’m only hard to live with when I’m triggered. Otherwise I’m a bundle of light and joy 😀

Being Borderline has meant that I’m BIG on starting stuff. Insanely, passionately, obsessively keen on starting. But once it becomes a commitment we hit a brick wall. And it really is like slamming face-first into concrete. You can’t go around it, you can’t climb over it.  I have so much in my head that I want to do, my house is full of craft stuff stored away for when I can face actually using it, but I can’t. And I do mean that.. I can’t, rather than I won’t. It becomes a huge battle and I end up doing nothing, or worst still, I end up doing stuff I don’t want to do purely because it’s not a commitment.

I’m hoping with this post I can somehow keep this blog going, cos it’s becoming hard, but I really don’t want to drop it like I have so many other blogs before. It’s important to me that I do this, to see if I can. To show that I can. So some posts might be a lot smaller, but I hope you’ll bear with me cos knowing there are some people who actually subscribe to this nonsense is pretty important. Incredibly scary for someone with Borderline, but very important.

Thank you.

Michelle x

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14 thoughts on “A confession.

  1. As The Lion wisely said: “I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! I do, I do, I do, I do!” You may substitute “Michelle” for “spooks”

  2. i’ll be hanging in here with you. i think you are hilarious, and i look forward to reading posts from you as they arrive. i admire this post and it almost inspires me to repost a very old post i wrote on coming out of the closet as bipolar….hang in there lady!

  3. Michelle,

    Suprisingly, you may have just answered a bunch of questions I have had about myself. I enjoy your blogs, and would miss them if they were gone. But don’t ever feel that you have to post to keep us happy. Post for yourself. And if that means you have to post less frequently or more shorter that will be perfectly ok for us and more enjoyable for you. I am curious about your notebook, I wonder if it is anything like mine.

  4. I was going to ask you to look at my favourite blogs on my site because your top of the list, but then I realised it was in alphabetical order, so I’ll just say that I enjoy your posts and think they’re very funny, weird, but funny!

    I was going to say hang on in there lady, but then would lady be appropriate?

    So keep on posting Michelle, you can never have enough poultry in the world!

    I was

  5. i see a lot of ‘giving up’ and ‘not starting’ in the kids i work with. they reject the idea that they can complete/continue/achieve because it doesn’t fit with their concept of self. they have an underlying belief that they don’t deserve to succeed. i know because i was one of those kids once. i support them to make small steps because stepping out of their valley of helplessness and hopelessness is just too overwhelming to do on their own.

    examine each thought and reword the negative thoughts to be slightly more positive. make small movements forwards, breathe slowly and deeply, and smile. i’ve found that it is difficult to be negative when i smile. a smile changes your heart.

    your blog buddies are here for support.

    i always find comfort in the saying “focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you’ve got to go”

    hugs

  6. I’m glad that you shared this – I would hate to just have you disappear and not know why.

    That said – I have the same problem starting things and not finishing them – while I don’t think I have BPD – I may – just never diagnosed.

    Keep writing for you – nobody else – we will all still be here.

  7. I can’t believe you handwrite your entire blog before typing it all out and posting it! Completely commend you for that! So much time and effort 🙂
    I actually quite enjoy writing in a “stream of consciousness” style.. Just sit in front of the blog editor and just GO. lol.. then I’ll go back and edit, etc. once I’m done all my writing…

  8. Wow…. just…wow. I took the night off the pc , just me and my notebook, and I sign on this morning to all these wonderful messages. Thank you so much.
    It’s endlessly frustrating to be constantly battling myself , but I’m not going to let this beat me this time. Hopefully if I can just keep taking baby steps I’ll actually get somewhere for a change 😀
    Group hug! 😉
    You guys really are the best 🙂

  9. I liked HAKEA’s comment:
    examine each thought and reword the negative thoughts to be slightly more positive. make small movements forwards, breathe slowly and deeply, and smile. I’ve found that it is difficult to be negative when i smile. a smile changes your heart…

  10. Pingback: stylish blog award? « hakea

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