I’m not a career gal, I never have been. It’s not like I can’t see the lure of the concept, because I can, it’s just not “me”. I’ve tried in the past to commit to a long term career path, but each time I’ve come to my senses before it was too late.
As a result I’ve had a lot of jobs, and by “a lot” I mean more than I can actually remember. That said, I have an appalling memory and “more than I can actually remember” could be a number as low as 6 or 7. A byproduct of this is that my CV is a constantly evolving fantastical work of fiction, so much so that I can’t recall exactly what I have done and what I’ve just plucked out of the air on a whim.
What has this taught me?
1) It doesn’t matter what qualifications you get at school or college, nobody ever checks. It’s possible it’s a different matter if you disclose university qualifications, but I skipped further education. I dearly wanted to attend art school and when I was told it wasn’t an option by my parents I walked out of school and got my first job ( the one where attempting to saw through your fingers was an available, and as it turns out just too irresistible, perk ).
2)Employers *might* check your last job for a reference, but they practically never check any further back through your work history. Taking a quick glance at my CV will confirm that I started off with a fabulous track record of job commitment… *ahem*
3) Learn to control your body language and use it to your advantage. They’ll be looking for it, so show them what they want. It’s devious, yes, but there’s money involved here folks.
I’ve been offered every single job I’ve ever applied for, with one exception. The interviewer at that one asked me as part of the selection process whether attending an all-girls school had meant I had lots of tales of lesbian going-ons to share. To say I just sat there in stunned silence with my mouth agape with incredulity is a complete understatement. He must have had some balls to come out with a question like that, and I had a sinking feeling he would show me them at some point if I took the position. So I just rushed the rest of the way through and made a mental note to add “self-defense” and “martial arts” to my list of interests on my CV once I got home.
“This is all truly engrossing,” I hear you say ( a lie, I’m not actually hearing anything, but talk of employment has obviously shifted me to “Barefaced Liar” mode ), “…but where is this thrilling tale leading me?” ( as you can see “Barefaced Liar” mode often comes with an extra module of “Over-Inflated Self Confidence”.)
Last night I watched a Brit film entitled “Exam”. Now, I think I should point out up front that I’m not a film buff ( not even on my CV ), and my knowledge of cinema probably isn’t any better than yours or any of us other Joe Regulars. Therefore, the likelihood of my comparing, for example, a stop-motion animation of a bowl of decomposing fruit with a 4 hour documentary by an existentialist Ukrainian director about the underside of a pebble on a beach is pretty slim. Good news if you just want to read about a few films you might have missed, not so great if you’re a pebble enthusiast.
I’ll spare you the synopsis ( you can read it *here* ) but I will pose the question, “What would you do to get the perfect job?”
Would you lie & cheat? Bit of a no-brainer for me, that one. Telling a massive bundle of whoppers is part of the interview process. I realise for those on a higher moral ground that this is pretty much unacceptable territory. Sorry ’bout that.
OK, then how about this one : Would you be willing to trick the other candidates out of the running? What if this was, hypothetically, the best job in the whole freakin’ world, what about then?
Watching the film was akin to a long, slightly tense, ride where you have to decide at exactly which stage of the journey down Morality Way you’re gonna bail.
Me, not being a career gal, would be happy to skip the last gruelling few disembarkation points and hop off at whatever stop was closest to the doughnut shop. I’m nothing if not fond of my pastries.