I can’t help it, I’m just a saw loser.

Today I sliced the end of my left thumb off with a cheese slicer.

I’d love to be able to say that this is a freak occurrence, but that would be a massive whopper of a lie. Not only have I done it before ( more times than I care to remember ) but it’s even the second time I’ve done it this week. And it’s only Tuesday.

This time I took a fair chunk out though. Usually it’s big enough to pick the missing slice off the cheese slicer so that nobody ends up with it in their lunchtime sandwich, but small enough to only bleed for a few minutes. Today, however, I cut it pretty badly and 7 hours later it’s still bleeding. Not gushing tourniquet-needing, attach-me-to-an-IV-STAT! pouring, but enough to act as a plausible excuse for it not to be my turn to empty the cat tray. See ? Silver lining and all that jazz.

I’m not good with tools as a general rule and come out in a cold sweat at the mere though of an electric drill, and with good reason I feel. In my first full-time job I was training as a dental technician, way way back in the days when everything was still black and white, making dental crowns for dinosaurs. Melting gold, no problem. Sculpting metal, easy peasy. Cutting the cast crowns off the base? OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE !!! I’VE SAWN THROUGH MY BLOODY THUMB !!!!!!!!!!Β  I was using one of those hand held ( hold on… don’t you hold all tools with your hands? Never trust a guy who picks up his nail gun with his toes ) diamond-blade circular saw thingies. I did pretty well for months, but all good things come to an end. One moment listening to the radio, beavering away like a good little underpaid apprentice… the next a buzzing noise, then a sickening zzzzthunk! Looking down I see that not only have I sawed half way through my thumb, but the blade has snapped in half and is jutting out, wedged in my bone.

I did what I thought was most appropriate in this situation… I giggled.

Me : Erm… Andy? Can you give me a hand a sec?
Co-Worker who’s supposed to be supervising me : What ??? I’ve got to get this done by tonight and it’s already 6 o’BLOODY HELL!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ???
Me ( blood everywhere, dripping down my elevated hand ): I couldn’t help it, I’m an over-enthusiastic nailbiter.

Cue nervous employer checking their insurance policy while I spend 5 hours sitting in the local A&E with very pale co-worker who, as it turns out, is a bit squeamish about blood. The fact I’d take the pad off and wiggle the jutting blade at him now and then to relieve the boredom probably didn’t help matters. Stitches, yadda yadda, followed by a night of contemplation followed by a resignation the next day. I’ve got a fairly reasonable pain threshhold, but I just couldn’t risk doing it again. I think to fill in I then worked in a fast food place afterwards, where… to my credit… I complete failed to fall into the deep fat fryers.

In other news today : I fried some glass marbles to see what they’d look like. For some reason this made Hubby very very nervous.

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20 thoughts on “I can’t help it, I’m just a saw loser.

  1. Congratulations! Your prolific writing skills now include an ability to make your reader’s palms sweat and stomach wince as they are reminded of their own thumb slicing escapades. Owch and Owch to you… a high tolerance for pain is essential, especially since it seems you are determined to remove your thumb up to its first joint. Really nice writing, but I can only imagine the color hues your keyboard have taken on though. Take care (seriously)!

  2. i agree with the above poster, my stomach is feeling a little queasy now. do you work in a deli? i am glad you still have your sense of humor, i might be off whining somewhere if it was me….excellent post, as usual.

  3. I listened to some science man / warlock talking about how people start to feel different the more body parts they lose. I mean, literally, it makes sense. You have less flesh to feel things with. I’m not sure I buy it though. So, I guess what I’m getting at is whether or not you feel different?

    D

  4. Oh no. Hope you’re okay. That’s a fear of mine. However, I’ve had many close calls with chopping off my finger when chopping carrots and other veggies. i haven’t sliced of my fingers yet, but I’ve gotten plenty of nails.

  5. I cut off the tip of my pointer finger. I had one of those slicer things and I was cutting potatoes and my finger slipped and I cut off the tip of my finger. That hurt so bad. I threw away that slicer thing. I want to buy another one, but I don’t want to cut my fingers anymore.
    I feel your pain.

  6. I hope you married a doctor, or at the very least a nurse. I married a nurse and he is very handy for all the icky stuff – wobbly teeth, gravel rash, splinters, slicing and dicing. Downside is he is low on sympathy.

    I now buy sliced cheese. You can even buy cracker cheese now, each sliver is the size of a cracker. Lower risk for members of Thumb Graters Anonymous.

  7. You make me so nervous! I enjoy the blood and gore, and reckon you should have a camera ready at all times. Cuts with embedded foreign objects waggling back at you? Wonderful!

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